Originally posted on AskMen.
Imagine you wanted to learn something about female orgasm. Say you started out in this endeavor by asking women to show you how to touch them. And they did. And not surprisingly, industrious researcher that you are, you started to get good at it. And let’s say you kept at it, learning and investigating the art of handling women’s genitals.
Now let's go a step further. Say you eventually quit your day job to devote your life to this art. And continued to practice. For up to several hours a day. Every day. Alongside thousands of other people doing the same thing. What might you learn?
Well, I learned a lot. And not only about how to get her off, I learned that regular doses of orgasm tend to make women happier, friendlier, more loving, and better in bed. (Not to mention smart, confident, successful, and generally feeling good.) I learned that you can get to know a lot about a woman by getting to know how her genitals respond. I learned that female orgasm has a positive effect on men as well. I learned that it vastly improves your sex life. I learned all the places women want to be touched, and how that helps bring them to climax. And I learned something the bonobo monkeys already know: It becomes damn near impossible to fight or argue when orgasm is readily available.
Here are 10 steps along the way to learning how to handle a woman’s genitals, in order from basic to a bit more advanced.
1. Learn where the clitoris is.
Step one, right? Obvious. Because on the spectrum from “platonic touch” — a hug from granddad, not arousing at all — to “erotic touch” — like a first kiss —the clit is the erotic bullseye. It may well be the most sensitive spot on the human body. But more than that, it’s the epicenter of female orgasm. Master the clit and she’ll want you there as often as possible.
OK, so you’ve googled "clitoris" and are now in real life with a woman. Here’s what you need to know. Where her inner lips come together at the top, they form a hood, covering the firm little bead that is the head of the clitoris. If you nuzzle your finger or tongue between her inner lips and move upward, staying between them, they will guide you directly to it. You want to get up under the hood and come into direct contact with it. Be aware that you’re touching an area many women would direct you awayfrom, and for good reason. Which brings us to No. 2.
2. Learn how to touch it.
Applying a man’s preferred stroke to a woman’s body will likely be too much. Especially there, up under the hood, directly on the clit. It’s extremely sensitive. The nerves can go numb from over-stimulation. (And she may not tell you.)
So go slow. To give you a sense of how to touch the clitoris directly, try this exercise: Rub your thumb and forefinger together, and see if you can make your stroke soft, slow and short enough to feel the ridges of your thumbprint and fingerprint as they move across each other. Try it now. That’s how you want to touch it. And you’ll want to use that level of sensitivity yourself when touching her most sensitive spot.
3. Learn to recognize when the feeling changes.
We like to pretend that arousal rises smoothly like the edge of a saw tooth, ascending in a straight line to the Big Finale. But it never goes like that. The path to bedroom bliss is more like a winding road, meandering between intensity and subtlety. And your craft as a lover hinges on your ability to notice and respond to these changes.
Some guys don’t notice at all, and just keep rubbing away, doing the same thing that seemed to be working a minute ago. (And that’s precisely the point she starts pretending that it still feels good.) If he does notice, he may worry that something’s wrong and start trying to fix it. Suddenly it’s turned into work for both parties, no one’s having fun, and the mood is flattened like roadkill.
But that’s not you. Because you notice the ups and downs and have the presence of mind not to panic. You know the quieter moments are more than just inconvenient speed-bumps. You take the time to notice what it feels like, to savor it, to move appropriately. You know the next peak comes when it’s good and ready. You’re not in a rush.
4. Learn to have goalless sex.
This brings us to the next level of sophistication. There’s a kind of sex you can have where the body leads, not the head. You’re not trying to get anything specific to happen. This is a really different way to have sex than most of us have tried. If you get good at it, it beats goal-oriented sex hands-down. For two reasons.
First, our bodies are a lot smarter than our heads. Most of the strife of sex comes from us getting this part wrong: not enjoying an intrinsically enjoyable activity — I mean it’s genitals for chrissakes! — because we’re comparing it to our conception of what should be happening. To hell with what our bodies actually want right now.
But second and more importantly, our most profound experiences in bed tend to surpass anything we could have anticipated, let alone arranged. These are the moments we live for. The ones we remember weeks or even years later. What we start to notice is that the very best experiences are nothing like our best-executed plan. They weren’t even on our radar. And in fact, all of our trying has been getting in the way. The more we let sexhappen rather than getting it to happen, the more those breakthrough experiences can arise.
5. Learn where on the clit to touch.
As your touch becomes more refined, you’ll notice that this exquisitely sensitive organ is rather versatile. A light stroke across the surface feels one way; press in one or two sheets of paper deeper, and your partner may feel something entirely different.
I’ll let you in on a secret. There’s a bullseye within the bullseye. If you gently nuzzle your finger or tongue up inside the pocket formed by the hood—gently!—way in the back of the pocket is an extremely sensitive spot on the clitoris. It can be so sensitive that just touching it can produce tons of sensation. Mind you, that sensation has equal potential to be intensely pleasurable or painful as glass shards. So you’re going to have to learn to touch it just right. Surprisingly, you may be better off using your finger rather than your tongue. Yes I know, you’ve been honing your oral skills, but the index finger is designed for the kind of exquisitely fine motor control called for here.
6. Learn to recognize when she's performing and when she's really feeling.
Women know that men want to “do her right.” They don’t want you to feel like a loser so they learn to perform, exaggerate, and fake it to stroke your ego. Even worse, most men are unwilling to learn when she is faking because that means acknowledging they didn’t quite hit it. If you try to learn how to handle her just from her moans and audible feedback, you’re calibrating off the wrong thermometer.
Get your ego out of the way and learn to recognize when she’s performing. Part of you already knows, you just don’t want to have to admit it. Once you learn to to differentiate the theatrics from the real sensation, you can start consistently getting the real juice rather than the unfulfilling impostor.
7. Learn when to withdraw.
Too much of any good thing isn’t good at all. A skilled lover knows when to stop something before it gets played out. This is known as the Art of Peaking. The “peak” is the moment where sensation no longer increases. The same way forcing yourself to eat past satiation results in a flavor decrease, continuing sexual stimulation past the peak actually kills the “flavor.”
Mastery of her body means withdrawing just before that peak of satiation. This allows her to continue to feel her desire after you’re gone. Yes, you keep her wanting more. It’s more than a marketing technique. It actually is a kind thing to do. Society trains us to immediately gratify (effectively, squash) our desires so we don’t feel them anymore. But the state of wanting feels good on its own. It allows you to keep “tasting.” Give her this gift of feeling desire. Learn when it’s time to pull back. Know all the places women want to be touched.
8. Learn when to go get her.
No one wants to be a violator, yet we all know there are moments where she wants you to be physically assertive. A place of confusion for many men is reconciling giving a woman space to give you the green light versus being assertive and leading the interaction. Knowing when to be gentle and when to be aggressive is its own skill.
The way to get her the right way is with attention, NOT pressure. If you pay meticulous attention to her body and how it feels, her body will let you know the right stroke for the moment. Hint: It’s in a different location, with a different pressure and a different speed for each different moment. The moving target is her body’s way of making sure you’re paying attention.
9. Learn to listen to your own body.
Men who study with OneTaste are often asked, “Why do you spend so much time on female anatomy? When do you get to yours?” Many men come through the doors to learn the art of touching a woman’s genitals as a path towards being a better lover, or to add a skill to their repertoire, or something to that effect. The bait-and-switch is that in that process, a man learns to feel his own body more in response to hers.
Ultimately, gaining mastery over anything requires you to get past having to think about it and instead feel what the right move is. Your body will inform you what to do if you let it. Shut off your mind and start feeling around. You’ll notice that certain touches of her body get your body excited. That’s your body’s way of telling you that you “hit her spot.”
10. Learn to ask.
If you were learning to play guitar, wouldn’t it be great if the instrument could say things like, “Hey lighten up on the strum and press harder into the frets to get a better sound” from time to time? Yes, it would make learning the guitar at lot easier and faster. Sadly, guitars can’t talk… but women can!
In fact, women love talking about sex. She’ll likely be honored that you care enough about learning her body that you would ask what feels good. Most men try to act like they know everything so they mash away, she fakes it to keep his ego intact and he never learns. Don’t miss out on the the most valuable feedback you can get — ask her!